Obnoxious Colorado millennials, heading to an obnoxious California music festival, take a detour to a hotel known for the suicide of some Satanic ho in the 70s, and proceed to dick around with a ouija board. And this is only the first stop on a whirlwind tour of occultic sites in LA.

Next stop: Some creepy occult shop. After acting like privileged little shits, they get thrown out by the creepy owner. They go back later that night to follow the owner to the ever-popular Secluded Location while continuing to act like spoiled little retards and spying on some Satanic ceremony involving a hot chick. At this point the viewer is left hoping that their horrible, painful deaths are imminent, when suddenly, the hot chick’s boobs are out! One of the jerkwads even says “oh shit! Boobs! We have boobies!” First smart thing any of them have said. Also, it looks like she’s about to be sacrificed, so they “rescue” her by nearly getting themselves shot. And then they go back to the hotel and have their own little Satan party with Hot Chick, who vomits and then pisses herself. After that, things get weird.

Also, Sarah Hyland says “fuck” a lot, which is weird because she still looks like she’s 8. If anyone ever makes a docudrama about Jeffrey Epstein’s island, she should be the first person cast.

So, this was written by Anthony Jaswinski, who wrote “Kristy”, which I liked quite a bit, and The Shallows, which I haven’t seen yet, but I’ve heard is good. This got slammed by critics (never trust critics, including me — trust me, I’m the last person you want to trust), but I thought it was pretty good, especially for mainstream Hollywood horror. “Kristy” was better for sure, but “Satanic” had its moments. At least it wasn’t another boobless PG-13 bore-fest. I’ll give this one a weak recommendation, but if you haven’t already seen “Kristy”, watch it instead.

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