Night of Something Strange (7/10)

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Cornelius is a janitor at a morgue. One night, while working alone, he comes upon a relatively fresh and fairly attractive female corpse, which he then comes in. As he’s going to town on Jane Doe, we see from her toe tag that she died of radiation exposure combined with an STD. When he gets home, he promptly turns into a zombie and rapes his wife (or girlfriend, or mother, it’s not entirely clear). And, he eats her pussy (not euphemistically, but quite enthusiastically). This is all in the first 7 minutes, so we’re clearly off to a great start!

So, next we are introduced to some obnoxious high school seniors on their way to a beach somewhere. On the way, they stop at a creepy gas station where the zombie had recently chowed down on a used tampon and puked all over the toilet, and obnoxious bimbo #1 catches zombie from the toilet seat and spews chunks all over the place while the zombie watches, masturbating, from the woods. Yes, that is what I just wrote.

Soon, the obnoxious teens arrive at a creepy pedo hotel on the way to the beach, where we are treated to scenes of zombie carnage, unfortunate sexual acts, long emo conversations, and sometimes all three at once. And then things get weird. Like, talking vagina weird.

This movie is chock full of puking, pissing, and periods. And more than the usual amount of masturbating, for a zombie movie. Plus rape, cousin-fucking, accidental homosexual necrophilia, and a guy named Dirk. Really, it’s got it all, and a little more. It’s also pretty funny. And gross. And insanely deranged. So, of course I’m going to recommend it. Did you expect otherwise? You really don’t know me at all, and that makes me sad.

Best line: “How could I think your balls were two clits?”

 

The Mad (6/10)

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Billy Zane, with his obnoxious daughter, her boyfriend, and Billy’s annoying new girlfriend, go to a horrible country-themed bed and breakfast where they’re all having a lousy time, when people start turning into zombies from eating bad burgers and their lousy time gets even worse. Billy’s girlfriend gets killed and Billy, being a doctor, autopsies her. The daughter’s boyfriend gets his foot eaten, then he gets shot, then attacked by a CGI mutant burger patty, and then decapitated (spoiler alert). The restaurant’s cook and waitress team up with Billy and daughter to try to escape by distracting the burger-fed zombies with swag, which proves not entirely successful.

So, you as you might have guessed, this is aiming for horror-comedy territory. And it succeeds, for the most part. Billy Zane is very good with deadpan humor, and the scenes of him and his daughter working through their family issues while fighting off burgered zombies are pretty amusing. I mean, we’re not talking Shaun of the Dead here, but it’s a fun watch. Sadly no boobs, which sucks because the daughter is a hottie.

Best line: “Has your beef been acting strangely?”