Night of Something Strange (7/10)

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Cornelius is a janitor at a morgue. One night, while working alone, he comes upon a relatively fresh and fairly attractive female corpse, which he then comes in. As he’s going to town on Jane Doe, we see from her toe tag that she died of radiation exposure combined with an STD. When he gets home, he promptly turns into a zombie and rapes his wife (or girlfriend, or mother, it’s not entirely clear). And, he eats her pussy (not euphemistically, but quite enthusiastically). This is all in the first 7 minutes, so we’re clearly off to a great start!

So, next we are introduced to some obnoxious high school seniors on their way to a beach somewhere. On the way, they stop at a creepy gas station where the zombie had recently chowed down on a used tampon and puked all over the toilet, and obnoxious bimbo #1 catches zombie from the toilet seat and spews chunks all over the place while the zombie watches, masturbating, from the woods. Yes, that is what I just wrote.

Soon, the obnoxious teens arrive at a creepy pedo hotel on the way to the beach, where we are treated to scenes of zombie carnage, unfortunate sexual acts, long emo conversations, and sometimes all three at once. And then things get weird. Like, talking vagina weird.

This movie is chock full of puking, pissing, and periods. And more than the usual amount of masturbating, for a zombie movie. Plus rape, cousin-fucking, accidental homosexual necrophilia, and a guy named Dirk. Really, it’s got it all, and a little more. It’s also pretty funny. And gross. And insanely deranged. So, of course I’m going to recommend it. Did you expect otherwise? You really don’t know me at all, and that makes me sad.

Best line: “How could I think your balls were two clits?”

 

The Autopsy of Jane Doe (8/10)


We open with police arriving at the scene of a multiple homicide in Grantham, Virginia. After surveying the scene and finding several people dead from considerable violence, the sheriff is summoned to the basement, where forensics techs have discovered the nude body of a young woman, partially buried in the dirt floor. The sheriff take Jane Doe to the local  morgue, run by a father (played by the always-great Brian Cox) and his son (played by some guy), interrupting the son’s plans for a hot date with a chick that likes to look at corpses. At first, the corpse seems immaculate, but the father and son team soon finds bizarre and disturbing internal injuries. As they dig deeper, a storm rolls in and strange things begin to happen in the creepy and labyrinthine old morgue.

First off, kudos to Olwen Kelly for laying around nude and dead for most of the movie and not even looking like she was cold; that’s some fine work right there. This was very good, with a great old-school vibe and lots of creepy and atmospheric moments. There were, however, a couple of things that kept it from being great. Without going into too much detail, I will say that it went a bit heavy on foreshadowing a couple of things, and there was a bit of exposition that seemed unnecessary and smacked a bit of political agenda. Other than those minor missteps, this is a fine effort. I don’t think it quite lives up to the hype that it has gotten, but it’s still well done and certainly worth a watch. Also, nice boobs, even if they were dead.